It doesn’t feel like 500 years already…but here I am – again.

I forgot:

I dedicate this post to iamnotshe - this blog entry is what made the inner me perk up and say – dude wtf?

It was her words of fire that lit me alive. Her words of “oh HELL no” in a post about her strength from her mothers passing. In some way your mom had a hand in this. Know how special you are Mel.

~~~

After the collapse of the company, the head on collision,  my collapsed finances, my relationships in danger, my failing health, my parents facing foreclosure, my facing poverty after a life reserved for the privileged- depression was winning – fast.  I did what crazy people do most. Stopped the meds. More out of force than anything. Not working,  $-150.00 in the bank and no insurance- where was I supposed to get $300 for Wellbutrin? I was on assistance for food, for Christ’s sake. I can’t worry about sanity. I don’t have kids so I don’t get shit in the form of government help. Unemployment not available to a business owner.  Sure I had 20 guys on my payroll at $70,000 a week, shoving money into the economy, but since I was an owner, nope- no benefits.

Luckily – got my meds.  I found some for $35 at www.planetdrugsdirect.com- a legit pharmacy in Canada- my bestie Bob helped me out. Bought them for me and – here the Phoenix goes again.

I knew I was going to be ok. But my aging father whose life was just snatched and shredded by the taxing authority – with our retirement funds seized along with all liquid assets- everything was gone. You can’t start with nothing. I mean NOTHING.  He called all the time asking for money. I do not have extra right now. But deny the man who 10 years ago never blinked about hiring a pit bull attorney, the same one who constantly kept Dallas Cowboy’s bad boy, Michael Irvin, out of jail – my father had no problem paying over $25,000 – CASH UP FRONT- to set my ass on a straight path after drugs took every decent bone I had in my body, replacing human emotion with hatred, lies and fear. I would be dead or on death row at the rate I was going. You don’t carry two pistols and stay high on coke without something happening and someone ending up dead. My father saved my life. And I fought like hell. I liked that life. I wanted to bail out and make more money, going right back into the scene.  But I was facing 30 years federal – kingpin bad ass “Catch Me If You Can” shit is what I was into – big time. And I got caught. BAD.

Now that man who saved me – needs me.

I can’t just say NO- “you have to fix it yourself” like I am being told – by people who never have even gotten a speeding ticket.  Sometimes we do not know HOW. He is lost. He needs someone to teach him to walk again. He is broken.

I am looking in a mirror.

And

I

don’t…

know…

what…

to…

do….

So I prayed. Prayed like crazy. Prayed and even scolded God- “You told me you would be there- time to show yourself and make things bettter. I am your child and this fucking hurts- I don’t know what to do- I have helped myself all I can. I need you.”

The heavens parted that night.

I had no idea.

But the angels were summoned.

Weeks later:  At work- get a text. “call me now – things are bad”

I call my dad. On the brink of foreclosure, my mother crying loudly in the background- they only owe $8000 on a 30 year mortgage- they can’t pay it because of the collapse of the business. And yes, his bad choices. His ignoring warnings. By his own hand. Choosing a fate akin to the Titanic’s captain, down he went with the ship.

but

my choosing to stay there during this, knowing the end was coming- I also chose the role of the captain. And sank we did into frozen waters, dreams – hopes – all future we ever dreamed of- home as I knew it was at the shop-  laughs, tears, breakups, I always went there. Even if my dad wasn’t there – his energy was. It calmed me even if I had to wait until Monday to see him. I almost felt like I was with him just sitting in his office. All of that – gone forever  - dead. Ripped from our weak hands, auctioned off- replaced. Forcibly removed. A 30 year business built with bare hands now changed to a fractured dream with seized notices still on the doors – dead in the palm of his soul. How do you move on – when giving up is all you have the strength or courage to do? And where the fuck was God. He’s an atheist. I need God’s help badly here as we have a resistant one here. God? Anyone? Hello?

Nothing.

I just stopped…and physically nodded.  HOW people can choose not to believe on God is beyond me. Not judging, just puzzled.

Weeks before- April 2, my new job started. Secret angels in flight – I had no idea.

A new job with praise and honor and a chance to show off how fucking smart I am in the face of audits, labor analysts and IRS agents.  Correcting CPAs with masters degrees when I haven’t taken ONE financial course in my life. Bob is my only mentor – and a damn good one, but I have had NO FORMAL training. And I am the one saving my boss $100K+ on his taxes.  I love that shit.  I was happy again.

Finally.

And a new freak blessing – made by God, Jesus C, Buddha, Ghandi, Oprah – hell, I dunno – but it is divine in origin.  A chance for my father through this company to rise again. The owner heard the story as I cried in the bathroom unsuccessfully begging someone who lives in a $600,000 USD house we have known for 20 years to help me help my dad.  For three days, my boss was at unrest- until he approached me and said “I can’t watch this happen. Why don’t I try this business of yours? Get your dad in here- see what $10K will do and start a partnership?”

I have nothing else to type. I am still in shock.

Yes- it’s time. Fuck this shit – fuck that captain bullshit. This is not who I am -God made me in his image and He is NOT a pussy. Get back up and show the fucking world who it wrongly chose to screw with.  The ship went down, but screw that old piece of junk. I learned what I needed and need a BIGGER ONE.

Depression: hope you had fun for five months. Diva is back, so badassery is back. Fucking Chuck Norris is in this bitch. Rise Again Phoenix – RISE.

6 responses

  1. Wow, I am in amazement. That’s a great blessing and I hope your dad can see it for what God has done. If not, you do.

    I am very proud of you. You don’t have to praise me in being your beastie or that I am very good at what I do. One day someone lose will see my talents and let me shine. In the meantime I am hiding. Lol

    I am always here for you. Remember me when your at the top again. Lol

    I love you!

    May 4, 2012 at 2:22 am

  2. Good to see you my friend … over at the iamnotshe space. Love ya! mel

    May 4, 2012 at 8:13 am

  3. Thanks for the pingback … i guess i better get my glasses on and read. Sister, good to see you after 500 years. I knew you had an old soul: Me 2! XOX Mel

    May 4, 2012 at 8:14 am

  4. Baby, can i reblog. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PERFECT THIS IS! I’m at a weird place with my last living family member (besides J) … and that is DAD!

    May 4, 2012 at 8:20 am

  5. Holy Shit, what a powerful post. You wrote the shit write out of that, babe. i’m glad to hear the mojo worked, so keep the faith!

    May 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

  6. Haha of course, reblog, go crazy!! :) Thanks, guys. Eff a bunch of bad luck. Life is happening- you just have to notice it. :)

    May 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm

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