Ok I watched the forums after my previous post and had some really great ideas exchanged and even had a recipe given to me that….has me eating meat!! What a great group over there at Thinner Times! This is the comment that I made that I think sums it all up….
Ok I’m finally three weeks out and onto semi solids. My diet says I can have ground turkey and ground chicken and tuna with mayo.
So far I suck at blogging. I think it must be a thing for people who have fuller, richer lives or more interesting things to talk about. I think of blogging then just think meh… Not today. Lol
Head hunger is coming back. Weird. But funnily enough, it is not from me craving things. It’s my stomach sounding like it is growling and talking. I totally stole the nickname Chewie from another blogger for my stomach. I have turned into Chewbacca over here groaning and singing all day long. I’ve equated that sound with hunger… and then BOOP you pop your head up and look into the kitchen.
Um…no. My doc told me -at this point two almost three weeks post op- it is physiologically impossible for me to have hunger due to ghrelin, swelling, and inflammation. That my body has reverted into “oh shit mode” because there has been a huge hole cut into the major organ that feeds it. I would have sworn I was hungry.
So, a new layer of this onion to unpeel. Why am I so eager to put food into a body that clearly is not signaling me to?
After discussing it with my husband, I’ve determined that rather than pigeonhole myself into that sad category of the obese (which I clearly belong to) people that have past traumas that made them turn to food, rather than deal with the negative emotions they come in contact with. But……. This time I really don’t think that has anything to do with it. What I think this head hunger is… Is actually relearning my body’s cues.
When our stomach growls, we are hungry. So it’s not some deep seated psychological thing to deal with in my making that connection. I just have to relearn my new normal. When Chewie growls, there’s just a lot of air tumbling around in there. Simple. No internal pain disguised as food addiction. I’m doing what any normal person would do. And now knowing what I know, what would aperson not dictated by food do? Surmise that a past cue of hunger is no longer a true fact. Grumble? Air.
It’s funny. I used to curse and hate my stomach. Wwwwwwhy do you stretch so far and allow me to eat so much? Why do you crave such terrible things? Mmm..Jack in the Box….
Now my little pouch, I protect it like a baby duckling. No harm can come to her. No overeating. Perfect proteins and nourishing broths for her. Alcohol? NOOOO! She doesn’t like that! Haha. Hell, if it tasted good, I would have drank acid before and joked how it was rotting my insides. (I guess the jokes of killing my liver after shots if Everclear in college are the same thing. )
But in this journey, I’ve recognized not every brick paving this road is not of past pain, but of growth. I realized today that not every new thing I learn has anything to do with reckoning with demons or facing fears. Sometimes coming to terms with acceptance of new things are not a flaw in us; it’s just a new reality. The lesson in this for me is to not immediately assume there’s something wrong to fix in me. Maybe it’s a new normal to just accept things as they are.
I’m realizing that one of my addictions is to think there’s something glistening in my past, frantically waving to me to remind me of things I miss or things that I no longer have. To look at past pains or hurts that allow me to use them as a crutch to live life with dark lenses that don’t allow true happiness in. There’s only one problem. The difference is that, for the first time in my life, my present is more full of happiness than my past ever could or would have been. The things that drive me to self injuring behavior no longer exist. To see the gifts that have been given to me and the ridiculous support system- that none of my past bankroll could ever have bought. It’s crazy to even still have the habit of looking in the rear view and checking behind me to see if there are gems that glitter, beckoning me to want what I’ve lost more that what I have. This is a first. And I surrender to that. Happiness is ok to have. Its ok to look ahead. It’s ok to feel it. Everyone deserves it. Including me.
Surrendering has always been the point of revelation for me. Surrendering to the fact that my new normal is acceptance of new ways of interpreting your surroundings. And accepting how awesome things are going to be in the future. That’s totally new for me. Cool. 😀
Who knew slicing off my stomach would bring such moments of clarity, eh?
Now I understand why people have blogs that go in and out in their surgery day. No one wants to write during this weird time. Lol. I literally know what it feels like to be stabbed 5 times. Pain meds ran out, and I waited to long to refill them. Thank God I’m a pill hoarder and have old scripts from my tooth extraction.
Now let’s talk about something I’m sure everyone has experience with: gas.
Dude. It’s real. That’s is what hurts the most. What’s funny is that I finally ventured out to Target last night and swore I tore a stitch. I got home and looked in the mirror only to realize that there was NO INCISION where I was trying to find where the pain was originating from. On cue, it gurgled. Really? I’ve had gas before, just not like this. Haha. It’s par for the course.
As far as getting my nutrients, I’m on point. Zero nausea. Blurred vision cleared up. I’m averaging 90-110 grams of protein a day and 100 oz of fluids a day. I’m still stark raving thirsty. That’s been lifelong, though. I’ve always been a water dog.
So as far as regrets? Omg no. Lost 10 pounds already. I have broken down once realizing that this actually might be the to that enables me to break the chains I have weeks with me and food. It’s been a prison my whole life that I may just been have granted clemency from.
Lying here in a hospital bed, the glow of on lone light over the fancy bay window where visitors get to sleep, it’s just me. Sent the hubby home. Can’t stand the pups being alone. Haha. Not to much pain now. Earlier…ouch. Compression cuffs still blowing up and down. Oxygen still pumping. Much less discomfort than I expected. The future holds even more comfort than I expected.
Angels abound, guys. Tell me they’re not real, I’ll knock you out.
Great. Now I’ve got that song in my head.
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out
I’m gonna knock you out
Mama said knock you out…
Wow. Mama’s kind of bitchy, eh? Damn, LL. Cool J
The countdown starts…….. Yippppeeeeee! All clear broth for a while now. Just had some pretty bomb ass onion soup (strained of course) and it’s funny what tastes good when you’re deprived.
Now for any cats reading this that are pre-op. Omg if you are lactose intolerant… Get a grip early. Whey right not be right for you. I just had the WORST weekend realizing that almond milk with my whey protein was the only whey to go. Get it…whey…lol it turns out that when u combined the milk with the whey powder, nope. Not having it. 3 days of diarrhea and projectile vomiting. Fun!
At least I’m all cleared out for surgery. Ha. I can’t wait!
Protein shake for lunch. Protein shake for a snack.
So far, so good.
Get if work at 4…
3:45… popped two cake pops in my mouth like the fat bastard I always knew I could be.
What the fuck???
So, now my 5 ounces of meat and two cups of veggies are another protein shake and raw cabbage (that I do actually like). What the hell? How on the world are you supposed to be able to do this at the holidays? I should have thought this through and taken this week off. 6 days until surgery and you’d think I would get a grip.
Man…. There’s always tomorrow. Sheesh……