I dedicate this post to iamnotshe – this blog entry is what made the inner me perk up and say – dude wtf?
It was her words of fire that lit me alive. Her words of “oh HELL no” in a post about her strength from her mothers passing. In some way your mom had a hand in this. Know how special you are Mel.
After the collapse of the company, the head on collision, my collapsed finances, my relationships in danger, my failing health, my parents facing foreclosure, my facing poverty after a life reserved for the privileged- depression was winning – fast. I did what crazy people do most. Stopped the meds. More out of force than anything. Not working, $-150.00 in the bank and no insurance- where was I supposed to get $300 for Wellbutrin? I was on assistance for food, for Christ’s sake. I can’t worry about sanity. I don’t have kids so I don’t get shit in the form of government help. Unemployment not available to a business owner. Sure I had 20 guys on my payroll at $70,000 a week, shoving money into the economy, but since I was an owner, nope- no benefits.
Luckily – got my meds. I found some for $35 at www.planetdrugsdirect.com- a legit pharmacy in Canada- my bestie Bob helped me out. Bought them for me and – here the Phoenix goes again.
I knew I was going to be ok. But my aging father whose life was just snatched and shredded by the taxing authority – with our retirement funds seized along with all liquid assets- everything was gone. You can’t start with nothing. I mean NOTHING. He called all the time asking for money. I do not have extra right now. But deny the man who 10 years ago never blinked about hiring a pit bull attorney, the same one who constantly kept Dallas Cowboy’s bad boy, Michael Irvin, out of jail – my father had no problem paying over $25,000 – CASH UP FRONT- to set my ass on a straight path after drugs took every decent bone I had in my body, replacing human emotion with hatred, lies and fear. I would be dead or on death row at the rate I was going. You don’t carry two pistols and stay high on coke without something happening and someone ending up dead. My father saved my life. And I fought like hell. I liked that life. I wanted to bail out and make more money, going right back into the scene. But I was facing 30 years federal – kingpin bad ass “Catch Me If You Can” shit is what I was into – big time. And I got caught. BAD.
Now that man who saved me – needs me.
I can’t just say NO- “you have to fix it yourself” like I am being told – by people who never have even gotten a speeding ticket. Sometimes we do not know HOW. He is lost. He needs someone to teach him to walk again. He is broken.
I am looking in a mirror.
So I prayed. Prayed like crazy. Prayed and even scolded God- “You told me you would be there- time to show yourself and make things bettter. I am your child and this fucking hurts- I don’t know what to do- I have helped myself all I can. I need you.”
The heavens parted that night.
I had no idea.
But the angels were summoned.
Weeks later: At work- get a text. “call me now – things are bad”
I call my dad. On the brink of foreclosure, my mother crying loudly in the background- they only owe $8000 on a 30 year mortgage- they can’t pay it because of the collapse of the business. And yes, his bad choices. His ignoring warnings. By his own hand. Choosing a fate akin to the Titanic’s captain, down he went with the ship.
my choosing to stay there during this, knowing the end was coming- I also chose the role of the captain. And sank we did into frozen waters, dreams – hopes – all future we ever dreamed of- home as I knew it was at the shop- laughs, tears, breakups, I always went there. Even if my dad wasn’t there – his energy was. It calmed me even if I had to wait until Monday to see him. I almost felt like I was with him just sitting in his office. All of that – gone forever – dead. Ripped from our weak hands, auctioned off- replaced. Forcibly removed. A 30 year business built with bare hands now changed to a fractured dream with seized notices still on the doors – dead in the palm of his soul. How do you move on – when giving up is all you have the strength or courage to do? And where the fuck was God. He’s an atheist. I need God’s help badly here as we have a resistant one here. God? Anyone? Hello?
I just stopped…and physically nodded. HOW people can choose not to believe on God is beyond me. Not judging, just puzzled.
Weeks before- April 2, my new job started. Secret angels in flight – I had no idea.
A new job with praise and honor and a chance to show off how fucking smart I am in the face of audits, labor analysts and IRS agents. Correcting CPAs with masters degrees when I haven’t taken ONE financial course in my life. Bob is my only mentor – and a damn good one, but I have had NO FORMAL training. And I am the one saving my boss $100K+ on his taxes. I love that shit. I was happy again.
And a new freak blessing – made by God, Jesus C, Buddha, Ghandi, Oprah – hell, I dunno – but it is divine in origin. A chance for my father through this company to rise again. The owner heard the story as I cried in the bathroom unsuccessfully begging someone who lives in a $600,000 USD house we have known for 20 years to help me help my dad. For three days, my boss was at unrest- until he approached me and said “I can’t watch this happen. Why don’t I try this business of yours? Get your dad in here- see what $10K will do and start a partnership?”
I have nothing else to type. I am still in shock.
Yes- it’s time. Fuck this shit – fuck that captain bullshit. This is not who I am -God made me in his image and He is NOT a pussy. Get back up and show the fucking world who it wrongly chose to screw with. The ship went down, but screw that old piece of junk. I learned what I needed and need a BIGGER ONE.
Depression: hope you had fun for five months. Diva is back, so badassery is back. Fucking Chuck Norris is in this bitch. Rise Again Phoenix – RISE.